I dare you to question this structure…
Thank you Yaplakal.com
Last night, I picked up two VHS gems at Goodwill. Yes, I was said gems and Goodwill in the same sentence and yes I still own a VCR. Now that we got that out of the way, may I continue my story? I picked up Slap Shot and A Fish Called Wanda. Take a moment to get the “OMG, it has been so long since I saw those movies and they are so funny” out of the way. Good. This story is filled with way too many distractions.
Naturally, how could one chose between two great movies in their time or any time for that matter. I used the systematic approach and went with the one in the biggest obnoxious plastic case. Last night, John Cleese, Jamie Lee Curtis and Kevin Kline won over. As I was watching John Cleese do a commercial for Schweppes and admiring the aging quality of the print as it would compare today to a blue-ray disk, I had a single thought run through my head. Wait, there was a trailer for Big. Awesome! Back to the story. Yes, I am to blame for the last tangent. I recall as a child, this piece of plastic with way too many screws than it needed cost $89.99 in the last 1980′s. Yes. The prestige of owning a movie that you would watch in the comfort of your own home cost 90 bucks. Now, in today’s economy, who am I kidding, VHS tapes are worth less than bookends, these cost me a dollar each. Actually, it was discount Wednesday so I think they were even cheaper. In terms of nostalgia, they were priceless.
Since then the compact disk, laser disk, mini disk, blue-ray disk and instant internet streaming have out dated each other in a competitive frenzy driving costs down and supply up. I almost said NetFlix as the final link on the chain of advanced sales technology, but the likelihood is that if you read this in three to six months, they may not be here.
Let us take a moment of silence for the fall of NetFlix…….Thank you.
Now back to our show, with limited commercial interruption.
So I can get a retro VHS for a dollar, a DVD at Wal-Mart for 5 dollars or even a dollar at a flea market and a Blue-ray disk for $9.99 on sale. My how competition and bang for the buck has changed. Yet, the cost of movie tickets has increased in increments with inflation year in and year out. Add in the streaming technology and for $7.95 you are unlimited on the number of movies and shows you can watch. Actually you are limited given that there are 24 hours a day and 720 hours a month. That really limits us to about 370 movies if we don’t use the restroom or sleep. This is not to be taken as a challenge for some of you living in your parents basement.
Is this all a result of the the recession, competition or the poster child for a new society. I myself relish my $5.00 VCR I got on Craigslist and my wide assortment of VHS tapes including Strange Brew, Youngblood, Sixteen Candles, Beavis and Butthead Do America, The Way We Were, Youngblood, Dead Poet’s Society, Star Wars and Pump Up the Volume. There is something about the cracking of the tape and the feeling you get that takes you back to the innocence and comfort of youth. If it takes a recession and mounds and mounds of vendors and suppliers to drive down the cost of media, so be it. As a consumer, thank you. I am just glad my retro days have not been buried.
To all those that hang on to the memories of a good classic film on an even more classic media, we salute you. Bring out the VCR, pop some of that Orville popcorn and kick back.
“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you.”
In the tradition of excellence in humor, last evening could be described as a thought provoking erotic sitcom build around an entire cast of supporting actors with the single goal of embracing every element of life and performing a show led by the ringmaster himself.
It was an night of doppelgangers, lesbians, strippers, strangers, kissing, laughing and a bit of warmth created in a land penned by Lewis Carroll.
It was one of those evenings after a bit of E Entertainment news you wish you could have lived. The glamorous life of a celebrity with all the perks, attention and outrageous events transpiring right before your eyes as the center of life and for just a moment it becomes you. This was one of those nights.
Now we will archive it away and move on to many more subjects of wonder and intrigue as we dig into Pandora’s box of life’s many great wonders and humorous anecdotes.
I was recently talking to a friend who had an ex boyfriend who was just focused on image that he would buy an expensive pair of designer jeans and then sand them down personally to fit the exact specs of an ad on page 57 of GQ that month. It made me think that he may be the same person I saw at the mall stopping at every mirror and making the proper adjustments. Coming from a jeans and tee-shirt man, maybe my thoughts on fashion are flawed. Of course I believe a good look is important as it represents a strong sense of responsibility, creativity, and a savvy sense of fashion.
There was a zombie crawl downtown. It is that time of the year when teens and adults raid thrift shops and purchase tacky dresses and suits only to cover them in fake blood and guts. At least, let’s hope they were fake. There are some that take the season of ghosts and goblins very seriously. Everywhere I turned, I smiled at the sea of dead walking, limping and later in the evening crawling along the streets. Funny how some people put more effort into the appearance of being dead than actually living.
Children are totally funny. On a crazy mad cap Saturday night, I watched Gnomeo and Juliet with a good friend and her two children. The same two children that showed me their favorite stuffed animals and then began to repeatedly hit me in the head with them, over and over and over again. But in the end I got to wear the pink blanket cape. Then randomly, during a tense scene, they would leave their couch, run over, jump on me and then snuggle up. Don’t you wish adults could just be that way.
Buffets are funny. They are cheap, they offer tremendous selection and give the customer the freedom to decide. But, we have an obesity issue, health care costs are rising and many individuals have difficulty with will power. A little bit funny, wouldn’t you say.
The new IPhone 4S cost 169.71 according to a report released this week in the Wall Street Journal. The cost was broken down into components, parts and labor. Labor: $8. Priceless.
Every Saturday and Sunday there is a ritual during football season, drink, drink, eat food with lots of dips and then drink. Multi-million dollar athletes that work out, maintain a strict diet and the pulverize each other each week fill the airwaves. That is 2100 athletes in the NFL and about 8000 in college. While 10,000 fit athletes give their heart and soul, over 100 million sit on about butts and fall into a pit of laziness and obesity.
It’s life funny.
I feel like I just had an Andy Rooney moment.
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
can be represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you-
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, you can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Provided by the Recruitment Network:
Each day we interact with various individuals whose unique behaviors and mannerisms make them a unique part of the corporate infrastructure. Let us take a few minutes to properly define these individuals so that you manage your workday more efficiently. For those that fall into one of these categories….You know who you are:
Key essential additions for the workplace vocabulary –
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s work place
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve
404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.
Ever wonder what the terminology in a job description or the language of a recruiter really means???
Now all your mystery’s are solved:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you’re fired.
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
Management won’t answer questions
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
We have a lot of turnover.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
If you work for a decent-sized company, you’ve been forced to sit through a presentation by the Human Resources department reviewing your benefits. I guess they’re less liable if they can prove they’ve wasted an hour of your time reading from a company brochure. Here’s a list of questions to ask your HR representative during the presentation. Caution: for amusement only. Not liable for discontinued employment.
Will my health plan provide clean needles for my heroin habit?
If I die, do I have to show up at work to claim my life insurance money or will it be mailed to me?
A man injures his lower extremities with a cheese grater that has the company logo on it. Should he call an ambulance or the firm’s legal department first?
OK so I rent a car and contract an STD from a lady of the night — who’s health insurance pays for my treatment — Alamo’s, my own, or Candy’s pimp’s?
If I contract Ebola, can I work remotely?
If I feel emotionally scarred from listening to Puff Daddy records can I call the Employee Assistance Hotline? Can I reach you at that 1-800 number after hours?
What does 401K stand for?
If I run a 4 K 100 times in a year, will I qualify for a 401 K?
What if I eat 401 boxes of “Special K”?
(Stated loudly, whilst shaking head vigorously) Hmmmm… I don’t like the sound of “being vested”. Noooo sir-eee.
If I am adopted, is it me or my host family that gets the free paid vacation under the Family Medical Leave Act? If it’s me then I’d like to pick Hawaii, please.
If I am accidentally disabled at the dentist’s office whilst on paid personal sick leave on a religious holiday, what form do I need to fill out?
Metallica are rock gods. (insert air guitar gesture here) Can I take a religious holiday when they’re in town next Thursday?
Who is this “Certain Criterion” that I need to meet? Is she hot?
Will my pet hamster “Raggot” qualify as a dependant?
How about the voices in my head?
How about the little man who lives in my stomach?
“Well, THESE might qualify.” (reach into trousers)
Can a floating holiday be attributed to acid? What if I live on a house boat or rent “House Boat” the movie with Sophia Loren and Jimmy Stewart — can that be considered a floating holiday?
Do I have to work during the Apocalypse or Armageddon?
If I am unproductive because I have been reproductive, can I be compensated for the work I would have performed?
Can I get a personal paid absence for being a stunt man in “Mr. Holland’s Opus”?
If I am dismembered in a forest and no one is there to see or hear it, will I qualify for coverage?
Does the break up of Menudo qualify as a life changing event? How about Selena’s death?
Is “sleepy” considered a long or short-term disability?<
Can I put anything besides money into my 401K? Like German bearer bonds, gold bullion, or Krugerrands for example?
Can I use sick leave if I am sick of work? Or sick of my boss? Actually, I feel a little sick right now. May I be excused?
Do genital enlargement surgeries get coverage? (act disappointed upon hearing answer) Could you please explain why not?! (raise voice)
Is there any way to realize my resource allocation management potential whilst leveraging my leadership achievement matrix?
What happens if my Qualifying Domestic Partner has a Qualifying Life Event?
What if my Qualifying Domestic Partner (QDP) gives me a Short Term Disability (STD)?
How do I increase the size of my paycheck? Can I do this online?
"Yes, uh, if I quit the firm, do I still get paid? Why not?"
Recruitment – A True Classic
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St.Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an executive make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in.” said the woman.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind…I prefer to stay in Heaven”, said the woman.
“Sorry, we have rules…” And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you’re staff.”