I have a number of female friends and some questions often come up with common repetition. Regardless of age or maturity level, many women still cannot seem to read the signs of men to determine if they are looking for a quick fix or a possible long term relationship.
It is important to know that for the most part, we are not the complicated gender. We are quite simple in our behavior and feelings toward dating, relationships and commitment. Reading our patterns of behavior will give you a clear indication of our intentions. We hear the unscientific study that indicates that a man or woman knows within five to ten minutes if they want to sleep with, have a relationship or an easy exit on a date. It is very true. As we grow and mature, we become more set in our personalities and interests. If the compatibility is not there, we are left with one option, “Is she attractive enough to want to sleep with”.
So here it is, us males meet you at a bar, restaurant or coffee shop and follow this chain of thinking:
1. If she is very attractive, we want to get to know her.
If she is average looking, we lean toward possible one night stand unless our personalities are so
If she is not attractive, we try to come up with a plan or polite way to end the date.
Subset to the attractive girl – If we feel she is out of our league, we may lie and try to give
the impression we have a great deal in common to get that one shot at amazing sex with a really
hot girl knowing it will never amount to anything further.
2. Having the mindset of a one night stand is not exclusive to males. Females, for various reasons, do
choose to go out and pursue that option. If that mutual fit is found, it is a win win situation.
The parties should try, if possible to be up front and honest about the intentions. Both males and
females do run the risk of falling for their date. If this arrangement will be successful, it is key
to bring honesty into the picture right away.
3. I know it is impossible to avoid the mind games, but having the courage to try and break them down
slowly could help decipher the date quickly and make for a more comfortable evening.
4. Our interest level is a direct correlation to our attention level. If we are making strong eye
contact, saying your name and responding to what you are saying, that is a very positive sign.
If we have our mobile on the table, respond to texts or have wandering eyes, not a good sign.
5. The equality of the meals and drinks is also a clear indication. If we have a possible interest,
we will order at an equal level to you. If you order a grilled salmon and he orders a dinner salad,
he is trying to rush through things and thus not interested. If you order salmon and he adds prime
rib, then he wants to take his time and get to know you.
6. If there is a call or text after 45 minutes or an hour and he ignores it, great sign. Yes, men still
use the fake call from their friends to get out of a bad date.
So what else do I look for to know if he is interested or not.
- If he jumps into discussions about ex-girlfriends and beats those stories to death, typically he falls into the category of a player who cannot separate the difference between an emotional and a sexual relationship. Also, that could be an indication of an ego-maniac who is self absorbed in himself.
- If you met through an online dating service, there is a strong likelihood, he is juggling multiple dates. The online community broadens your reach and allows for a much larger pool of potential mates. Many men will try and schedule a few dates and narrow down the pool. If you go on a first date and never hear back or get excuses for scheduling a second date, it is a safe bet that you didn’t make the second round.
- Look at some of the common patterns of behavior including eye contact, equal distribution of conversation, use of your name, questions showing a clear indication of getting to know you better and hand gestures. If your date is listening, maybe holding your hand over the table, asking questions about you and focusing on you and not the room, all signs of a positive first date. On the other hand, if he is focused on everything else in the room including everyone that walks in (in the event there is better eye candy after he has already scoped the room for the present occupants), looks down at his phone for texts or sports scores (better yet even if the phone is on the table – not a good sign), seems more interested in talking about himself than you and is rushing through the ordering process then these are all possible red flags.
- Ask him his expectations. If he is slow to response or provides a vague response such as “depends on the attraction”, “taking it one date at a time”, “not sure what I want yet in my life”, “just got over a bad relationship and not sure I am ready yet”, or “let’s just see where this goes”, then you can expect that he either isn’t interested or not looking for anything long term.
- Suggest ordering up a little, but not in excess and see how he reacts. I am not saying order the most expensive thing on the menu because that may create the impression you are a “gold digger”, but suggest an nice appetizer that will see his financial limits and lengthen the date. If he is immediately in favor of the idea, good indication for the evening.
- Look at restroom habits. During a dining experience, one would expect to go to the restroom once. Maybe two or three times if they are a germ phobic. If he is using the restroom several times during the drinks or dining experience, he either has a huge bladder issue (which he will most likely tell you about) or is making other plans, taking to friends or seeing who is winning the football game (all options that show a lack of interest toward you).
- Let us not overlook the obvious: What is he wearing? If he is dressed like Charlie Harper in shorts and a bowling shirt…run. If a man shows cleanliness in attire and hygiene, then he at least see this as a date with potential and is open to the possibility of more.
- Is he sharing in the conversation? If he is letting you do all the talking, he could be boring or lacks interest or on the other hand, if he is asking a lot of questions about you and then agreeing that he has the same interests or background, he may be lying to get you in bed with a false sense of compatibility.
There we have it. Dating 101 from the male perspective. This is clearly not the end all of dating tips but a fundamental start to help you through that next date.
Whether you are going on your first date ever, recently divorced or widowed or ended a long term relationships, remember whether you are male or female we are in the same boat. We are trying to break down the emotional walls and understand the thought process that is going on at the other end of the table or next to you at the bar. Be honest, be open and most of all, don’t become something you are not.
Dating, when you are at your most relaxed state is so much fun. The idea of getting to know someone from the ground up and all the new and exciting possibilities is a wonderful thing. The one thing that often screws that up is ourselves and the mind games we play.
We cannot eliminate that element of dating, but if you know what to look for, it will make the evening go so much better.
Unless you go on a row boat for a first date….That is a lesson for another time..