Signs That You Work in the ’00’s

I would like to thank the wonderful people at Electronixwarehouse.com for providing this wonderful commentary on the modern workplace. I wish I could take personal credit but I feel this is worth sharing with others. Enjoy!

SIGNS THAT YOU WORK IN THE ’00S

Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN’s homepage to your bookmarks.

You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail painfully slow.

You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.

You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don’t even exist anymore

You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

You get all excited when it’s Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.

You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as “deliverables.”

You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

You think that “progressing an action plan” and “calendarizing a project” are acceptable English phrases.

You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.

You ask your friends to “think out of the box” when making Friday night plans.

You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

You think a “half-day” means leaving at 5 o’clock.

You study “Dilbert” as a survival manual.

You question the viability of the English language when you find out that Administrative Assistant” means everything from taking shorthand to making sure the deli cuts the fat off your boss’s pastrami sandwich.

You watch stupid idiotic sitcoms at night because you’re too tired to do anything else.

The only fun you have any more is composing your fantasy resignation speech.

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.

You order business cards in “half orders” instead of whole boxes.

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You learn about your layoff on CNN.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is your best jokes file.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries’ annual budgets combined.

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

It’s dark when you drive to and from work.

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

Communication is something your group is having problems with.

You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.

Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.

Art involves a white board.

You’re already late on the assignment you just got.

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say, “Oh wow, thanks!”

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only.

Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a free minute” or “when you’re freed up”

Your boss’ second favorite lines are “this isn’t exactly what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have changed.”

Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years week.

Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”.

Change is the norm.

Nepotism is encouraged.

The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting

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