One of the top trending items on Twitter at this moment is #thingsthatdontmakesense, and in many circles of social party arrangements, this one does not either. I was the solo male at a downtown Saturday night bachelorette party of thirteen. Did the intent of my night start out that way, by no means. I live downtown and with one of my closest friends organizing the event, an invite came my way to join them for dinner and with a few block walk as the only obstacle, I accepted.
I can handle a joke and believe in the authenticity of the event so I wore the penis name tag and pink hair thingy for a while. I would tell you what specifically it was, but I just don’t know. This comment may come out a few more times before this story ends. The server was not particularly amazing on this evening, but on a Saturday night with thirteen people and some arriving late, I think he did rather well. Yet in the eyes of thirteen very anxious women on the verge of a drunken night of mayhem, he was the worst server ever to step foot on this earth.
After a mediocre meal, a few complaints to management and shots for the ladies, we moved on. The next bar was on my way home so, why not. So was the third. After that, trouble began to brew. The groups began to form unions and separation would ensue. In any major city, different people with have their own favorite places so naturally, that was a challenge. Without a limo, wandering feet will cause some potential issues. Thirteen people and four different venues later smart phones became everyone’s friend.
Now I had an obligation to stay. I was sober, I lived downtown and I may be one of the only chances to get everyone home safe. Between shots and texts, the next few hours were very convoluted. One girl got left behind alone. Another had things stolen from her wallet but another girl. Of course there were a few confessions and a few sick victims from the night.
During the course of those eight hours, I observed some very eye-opening events/behaviors:
1. If you ever have doubts about getting married, bachelorette parties could very well convince you against going through with that life time commitment. Three of four women at the table had some seriously negative things to say about their significant other and one even pondered an affair that night. In the street, I saw five bachelorettes all dressed up and not one smile among them. There could be other factors for those frowns, but I wasn’t ready to get in their path and ask.
2. Even in a group of girls, they still go to the restroom in pairs or groups. Whether they were talking about others in their party or just needed the company, I will never know. Yes, I did ask and no they wouldn’t tell me.
3. Women in groups do not like competition. If there are more attractive girls in the group, they will do everything they can to minimize their visibility.
4. Bachelorette parties mean “tramp it out”. Wear your most obnoxious high heels, find that evening dress or short skirt you haven’t worn in years and shout “This is my night”. It turns out the party is not just for the bride-to-be, but for all the girls single or married. For the married ones, it is an excuse to go out and find your sense of value and attractiveness again from strange men and for the single girls, the belief that “now it is my turn to score a man”. For even a few in the group, it is a chance at a one night stand. Even girls want a little meaningless intimacy from a hot stranger.
5. A strip club is not always a requirement, but sex toys and props are. That is an official rule. There must be many and very over the top. I cannot be certain, but the penis straw is quite a popular one.
6. I cannot say this for certain but in the male code of “what happens here, stays here” doesn’t seem the case with woman. I got the feeling that night and even a few days later that stories were shared and shared often.
7. Screaming is an absolute requirement. It must be done every time a person passes, at every bar entrance, when any shot is done, when someone falls, pukes, hiccups or in a nutshell…All Night Long.
8. Group safety is not a big concern by the end of the night. Though we started with a large group, only a few remained in tact and the feeling from those remaining was “oh well”. There was a general feeling that since they went their own way, they can find their own way home. Not what I would have expected.
By the end of the evening, I felt that I played a critical role in ensuring the safety of the core group, including the bride-to-be. One of the surprising elements was that I did not become a punching bag or pun of jokes during the night. I was a welcome addition. There were a few thoughts that I may have been gay because I was there, but I feel that if a guy wants to jump in and help celebrate the release of another single girl, most girls would be open to that.
This was an experience I was for the most part glad to be a part of. If asked whether I would participate again, my answer would be simple…No.
There are some very distinct reasons why men and women are different and when those differences grow in numbers, it is best to distance yourself from the opposite gender.
To the Bride-to-be, Cheers and good luck. To the bachelorette’s personal assistant, thank you for the invite into my own Cosmo article.